dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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