i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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