youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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