someone threw a dead crab at me
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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