I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
