??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I faked an abortion last night.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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