I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
