Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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