he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
