you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
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