You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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