you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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