Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize
