god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
