On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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