I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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