guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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