we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
