Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
