Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
