Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
