she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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