True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
whose ass print is on the piano?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
