hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
