I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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