They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
