Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
