I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
