he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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