Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
