So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
