I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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