You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
