this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
