I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We need to get me chipped asap
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
