I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
