If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
