i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
