You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
