don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
