i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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