if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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