Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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