do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
