My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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