3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
