man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
