someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
