I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
