I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
