Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
