Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
